Black or white or red all over?

Dear Dr. Sadie,

I am in the process of redecorating my house. What color should I paint my bedroom?

- Colorblind

Red. Red is a very pretty color. You should paint your room the red color like a brick or like a currant. You should change your blanket to an orange one. That will be a very pretty room.

Happy Birthday Dr. Sadie

Dr. Sadie is now three years old. Thank you to everyone who has written in this past year.

Now that she is three, Sadie has assured us that her advice is only getting better. She says, "I'm older now, Dada. I know lots of things."

Keep those letters coming.

As always, Cher said it best

Dear Dr. Sadie,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years. It was time. We had grown apart. Now I'm having trouble moving on. I am very depressed, and I have a hard time seeing happiness in my future. What should I do?

- Do you believe in life after love?

Nothing will happen to you unless you want it to. If you say "please," people will give you what you want. You could say "please" when you ask for a new boyfriend. Your new boyfriend will look like a yellow spoon. He's going to be very hairy, but he's not going to be nice.

What to get the man who has lazy relatives

Dear Dr. Sadie,

My brother-in-law, a good friend of mine, is celebrating his birthday, but I'm not sure what to do for him. He's not the kind of person who likes to get a lot of presents or a big fuss. But he's always been very generous to me and to everyone around him. What should I do for him?

Lazy Brother-In-Law

You should not get him a present. You should not bake him a cake. You should do nothing. All you should do is throw him a surprise birthday party. Mama doesn't want a surprise birthday party so (whispering) don't tell her we're going to throw a surprise birthday party, because it's a surprise.

Jack Kerouac's Dreams

Dear Dr. Sadie,

I'm planning to travel a bit this summer. I'm going to see some family and friends in South America. After I was hoping to have an adventure all by myself- but some people think this is too dangerous. Dr. Sadie, should I travel by myself or take a friend?

Sincerely,
Never Alone

You should take a friend. You could take a friend from the forest. You should take a person - it's Orion. He's a good hunter. He can be a plane driver, too. You should go for five months. You can hunt while you are in South America. You should hunt with a camera, and you should teach Orion how to do that too. Orion shouldn't hurt the animals, and you shouldn't either.

To Cohabit or Not to Cohabit

Dear Dr. Sadie,

My girlfriend will be moving in to my place soon. I am looking forward to living with her, but some of her furniture is tacky and takes up a lot of space. For example, she has a big iron wine rack with room for 30 bottles -- but we barely drink any wine at home! How can I let her know that I love her, but not all of her stuff?

Cheers,
One Sofa is Enough

She doesn't like you. She likes flowers. She likes spaghetti and meatballs. She likes other people better than you.

You shouldn't move in together. You should play games with balloons. Then you should do nothing else together.

Moving to Seattle?

Dear Dr. Sadie,

My daughter is 10 months old, and used to sleep very well. Recently, she has stopped liking her crib. Even if we rock her to sleep in the rocking chair, as soon as we lie her down in her bed, she stands up and cries very loudly. She gets quite upset when she is tired, but she won't go to sleep even if she is exhausted. That makes us very tired parents, too! What can we do to help her get the rest that she needs?

Sincerely,
Sleepless in North Carolina

You should not give her rest. You should give her medicine to go to sleep. It's called "sleep medicine." The medicine looks like a cat.

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Slave wages

Dear Dr. Sadie,

I have an issue. My master's program requires me to do an internship this summer. That means I have to give them money so I can work this entire summer for free. I am thinking that I should either work from home and do as little actual work as possible, or go for a paying job 40 hours a week so I can make minimum wage. What should I do?

Yours truly,
Free Labor

You should get a job. You should get a job to work in a house. You can build the house. That house will be for a person. That person's name is Sadie. You will make 40 cents dollars to build that house.

You shouldn't work at school. That doesn't sound very nice to me.

The Riddler Won Me Over

Dear Dr. Sadie,

Every week, I go to a comedy club and I watch people put on a comedy show. They're really funny and I always have a great time. I think I like one of the guys in the show, and would like to out with him sometime, but I don't know how to talk to him. What should I do?

Thanks,

Laughing, but nervous

You should laugh at the guy. You should say to the guy, "you are funny." You should ask him on a date. You can go to Mount Tom's to get jelly beans. (Editor's note: Mount Tom's is a local candy and ice cream shop in Dr. Sadie's town.) You can get ALL of the jelly beans. The funny guy should pay for all the jelly beans. After Mount Tom's, you can go dancing. You can do hula dancing.

They Make Great Pets?

Dear Dr. Sadie,

My parents are recently retired empty-nesters. They have no hobbies and aren't particularly active with anything. I am worried that they will spiral downward rapidly with nothing to do. I thought that getting them a pet would be a good way to get them engaged. What kind of pet do you suggest?

- Concerned Daughter

They should get a dog - a fish dog, because it would be MY fish-dog, and they would like to get a present from me. They can play with it. Fish-dogs walk like dogs, so they can take it to the park. They can play with it - fetch and tag. They can feed it fish food. It can sleep on the floor and its name will be Nellie.

What to get the boy that wants kittens

Dear Dr. Sadie,

My son is turning 8 this week. We've asked him what he wants for his birthday, and the answer is consistently, "an orange kitten." We love him and want him to be happy, but we both loathe cats, and I am very allergic. What should we do?

- How about some fish?

You shouldn't get a kitten. You should get him a bowl - a bowl that you wrap with silvery tinsel. That's all he should get.

Are we separated?

Dear Dr. Sadie,

My husband of 4 years has never been what you'd call "close" or "affectionate." We sleep in separate beds. We have separate bank accounts. Yesterday he proposed that we take separate vacations this summer. What does it all mean?

- Am I separated?

It means that he wants to be separate from you. You should get a new husband. The new one should be someone else. I don't know exactly what he should be like, but he should be different from this one. I don't like this one.

Overwhelmed

Dear Dr. Sadie,

I am a military spouse. My wife is stationed overseas for the next 9 months. I am at home with 7 kids, all under the age of 12. I am already going nuts. What can I do?

- Military Spouse in Dire Need

I have no idea what you should do. This sounds like a BIIIIG problem. Maybe you can take the kids to "Amaze Place" (editor's note: Amaze Place is an indoor playground at the local YMCA). That way the kids will climb around and get very tired. That's it. That's all you can do.